Thursday, November 29, 2007


I got shit-faced tonight on Amsterdam beer and walked around Le Marais and Louvre De Rivoli heading in the direction of love. For those that need advice on a cheap night out in Paris, Amsterdam beer has 11.4% alcohol by volume and it only costs about 1 euro; 2 euros sometimes but that’s like super rare.

One amsterdam is enough.
Two amsterdam is pretty much a night out.

I didn’t have my music so i sang Elliot Smith songs to myself. It’s better to look crazy and lonely in Paris than lonely and foreign.

‘Step out quiet, nobody is looking, so leave alone. Leave alone, cause you know you don’t belong.’.....sing this on a bridge on the Seine river and you like pretty much have a Gus Van Sant movie.

There’s this park right in front of Louvre called Jardin de Tulieries. If you need to look for love in all the wrong places this is definitely one of the places to be in Paris. A must see.

It has a maze-like design with walls made out of huge bushes; kind of like the maze in Alice in Wonderland. Remember the one? When Alice is running around looking for a bunny or drugs or some shit outside of the queen’s castle.

Well, in any case you won’t really have bunnies popping out at you in Jardin de Tulieries, but more like sleazy looking guys pretending to be on their cell phones with their dick out. I prefer to smoke ciggarettes.

I guess it’s like any other cruising spot for married or lonely men, or twenty somethings that can’t speak French. Although I think the fact that it’s situated right in front of the Louvre gives it an extra ounce of romance. There’s also a ferris wheel in the distance that you can gaze at while some guy named Pierre or whoever the fuck is sucking you off.

Great place to fall head over heels or to walk away from ashamed of the person you can sometimes be.

I don’t really get laid much in Paris and if I do it’s on impulse. It’s not something I particularly enjoy here. I think maybe I’m growing out of my sexual promiscuity or whatever, but I’m pretty much over the random guy blow job or sex date. For now at least, in the meantime I had to look for other vices.
More productive vices.

It’s a shame cocaine is so expensive because I think I would make a great addict, a fun neurotic one with a shriveled dick. But you can easily get cocaine in Paris, the dealers are friendlier yet their still shady. And it appears to be a very fashionable drug among everyone that I have made friends with, it’s like no biggie. I would honestly not be surprised if whole families did a line on Christmas eve before opening presents, I’d maybe raise an eyebrow, but that’s all.

With any drug there are do’s and don’ts, it’s like a ‘No shit Sherlock’ understanding.

Rule: You don’t take acid and then go home to your parents house for Christmas eve.

Rule: Using needles was never fashionable and they make you look pathetic and self destructive.

Rule: Never take more than one pot brownie, it just doesn’t add up in the end. 1+1 does not equal fun.

Cocaine use comes with a few rules, more than with other drugs. Some rules are understood as common sense and others are guidelines in tact and sensibility. First thing to understand is that cocaine provides enough audacity for one to breach any of these guidelines.

Be aware, be a friend. Stay in School.


Yes. It’s a drug. It’s not lethal and it won’t necessarily kill you, but there are stereotypes that come with it. Accept these stereotypes and the fact that it’s very easy to fall under any of them, restraint and use with moderation are just Happy Meal extras.

Straws or rolled up dollar bills, either one is not going to make it any less of a drug.

Mirrors are easy answers, yet they can be a little awkward when you have to look at yourself in the mirror while racing. Be original, use your daughters Peter Pan coloring books and your library Card.

Enough said.


It’s up your nose.

Coke is expensive, and good coke is hard to come by. Here in Europe, a gram can roughly run you about 50 to 60 Euros. Similar to the states, only it’s technically more since the Euro is worth more than U.S dollar. If you are an American student like me, you better be celebrating like Lindsay Lohan if you’re forking over a month’s worth of food. Feeling like you deserve to have your nose bleeding after conversations at 7am on post modern philosophy is a pretty good feeling. It’s just a thought.

WHERE MY MONEY AT? (part two)

You’re friends sometimes have money, and absolutely no problem sharing in on the fun. A friend indeed.

The type of relationship one has with such people is also variable in situations like this. There’s friends that will keep tabs and friends that don’t like doing drugs by themselves. Whatever the case is, always remember that they are sharing; so share something back. Small details go a long way.

This is what makes the ultimate difference. They can ultimately decide to only give you one line for the night and then continue to sneak away to the bathroom to snort their stash. Or, they can keep you high until you have to leave for work at Target the next morning. So prepare to pony up for beer or endless cigarettes. Mooching is so five minutes ago.


There are times when mooching can seem like the only answer, just be ready to only get a few lines out of this. Experienced drug users,for the most part, can smell hidden agendas even after they have destroyed their nasal cavities.

Practice sensibility. Pretend to care less whether or not you get some nose candy, blasse and cool is a safe bet.


If at a party coke is introduced at the kitchen counter to a few friends, do not walk over there without being invited. Everyone will know that you walked over to try to get some. That’s so Whitney Houston of you.

If you don’t get invited then keep on dancing, later go into their refrigerator and inhale all the gas from their whip cream cans. You’ll be passive aggressive with a 40 second smile.

People always like someone that can keep up a great friendly conversation, it’s not for everyone though. If charm is on your side then charm away, make them laugh or let them rant about some new age book they’re really into these days. Politely ask for more until they decide it’s time to cut it, although it’s always better if you cut it first:
“No, I can’t. No I really can’t, I feel bad. Oh my god you’re too much. Ok fine, but just one more.”...they will think you’re cool, and it’s just called being polite.

*a great DO for clubs or parties where your not well aquainted with others.


People like to talk after snorting their paycheck money. Although, a lot of times these conversations go nowhere and everything just goes around in circles. This is, understandably, hard to avoid.

Just remember to avoid waiting for your turn to talk. Listen to what people say and try to move the conversation to places, you would be amazed at the kind of collaborative ideas that come out of all night soirees. If the person is to ADHD to hold a decent conversation then just offer to play video games with them or anything that requires little thinking. You’re better off.

Some people tend to get tempers when they are on coke or their high is fading away. If this is you then don’t go to social gatherings and stay home with your sad little Colombian gram.

Extravagance is always fun when accompanied with a great high with people you enjoy. If you are fun enough to be as crazy as can be, then by all means do it. Try to get girls to make out with each other, or have people show each other their genitals for giggles. It can be really easy to become David Lee Roth at a gathering.

*A great suggestion is to invite as many people into the bathroom and continue to have the party in there. This is the reason why Nan Goldin photographs are so kick-ass.


Absolutely no Techno. I’m sorry, but I don’t care if you just got back from Burning Man or whatever dumb rave. Techno is like a serious faux pas with coke.

Anything from the 70’s or with a Studio 54 flare is totally aproppiate, it’s cheesy but you’ll have a laugh about it. Do not be ashamed of Donna Summer or Rod Stewart. Extra brownie points for David Bowie or Velvet Underground.

*Don’t be afraid of taking a risk mr. DJ. That Madonna song or that Ace of Base number might just win you the kick ass award.


There’s no sex while on coke.

Men, simply go into the bathroom and observe how your above average shlong goes from 9 inches to shriveled baby fat.

I can’t speak for women though.


I’m a fag so I don’t really have this problem. But guys that like pussy, be aware of greedy sneaky bizatches that will have no problem coming up to you demanding you to give them some more. These bizatches know they have pussy allure on you. So make sure their going to pay up that snatch by the end of the night, but if the SEX paragraph has anything to say; I would opt out for telling them to buy their own shit.


First off coco bunny don’t look so damn hungry, it’s not the end of the world if it all starts to slow down again.

Second, if you’re going to be so damn hungry then drink a lot of beer. Alcohol, especially beer and cigarettes help you retain your high on a whole different level.

And try to be, or pretend to be, sweet and polite when asking for more and not the skank you’re father taught you to be.


It’s tough to look cool, but begin by thinking cool.

*Can’t find you’re wallet? Well then it must be in the car, don’t start suspecting people around you. It’s easy to misplace yourself when your going at 15 miles per hour around a warehouse party.

*Avoid using long sentences when addressing people you need to act ‘cool’ around. Cops especially. They have had enough practice with all the Electra’s, Lohan’s, and Hilton’s in the world.

It could be that everyone has a different interpretation of what a cocaine high is like. But in all honesty it feels like you’re walking down some street, minding your own business. And then out of some bushes a really attractive, intellegent, charming person gives you a few compliments that make you feel really great. This feeling lasts, roughly, 16 to 25 minutes, dependant on the amount of compliments.

After the feeling subsides you want to find someone else to give you more compliments, anyone at this point will do; they don’t have to necessarily be attractive, or charming.

Some people will lie to get more, or debase whatever principles they have. In a party with lots of compliments to be had there is the worst of everything.

Cocaine culture has a thick layer of glamour on top, with unabashed decay underneath. Even the best addicts still look like addicts.